Leaving Loneliness

First off, it is important to note that loneliness and being alone, are two different concepts. Being alone is physical, you are by yourself, in your own presence. Loneliness, however, is a feeling, and can be felt regardless of being alone, often being felt even in a room full of people. Loneliness may occur due to an event of loss in ones life, or can occur as a symptom of a mental disorder such as depression. Loneliness is a feeling that we will all struggle with at one moment or another, some suffering more so than others.

Loneliness can be intense, it is, in theory, a state of mind, meaning you can be so caught up in your own thoughts that despite wanting to feel a sense of belonging, negative emotions make those connections difficult. What one person feels in their loneliness, may differ to another. We all experience our emotions differently, and so each persons approach to managing their encounters with these feelings, will vary.

Like with any negative emotion, it is very important that we acknowledge the emotion. Sometimes people like to ignore and push negative emotions into your unconscious mind, trying to "compartmentalise". When you do this, all that is happening is the prolonging of these emotions, and one day or another, they will come back and they will demand to be felt and the more you ignore, the worse the feeling will be each time it presents itself!

So how can we overcome Loneliness??

First up, who I am to tell you what to do and what not to do?

As somebody who has had very raw experiences with intense feelings of loneliness, despite having lots of loving friends and support around me, I thought I'd share some of the "things" that help me during my struggles, and although there is no "quick fix", hopefully some of these tips may provide some peace or awareness for you.

1). There are always options. No matter whether you are physically alone or it is a case of feeling lonely in a crowded room, there will always be somebody to speak to. Speaking up about our emotions can be scary, daunting and extremely difficult when we aren't feeling ourselves. But speaking up to the people we love or if we don't feel quite comfortable to speak to a friend yet, perhaps a professional / helpline, can take some of the weight off your shoulders, and it is so, so, SO important to remember that you should NEVER be ashamed, embarrassed or feel guilty for the way you feel. We are all human beings with a big load of hormones and emotions, with pressures of daily life affecting us all, as well as other contributing factors! It would be surprising if every one of us felt 100%, 100% of the time. If you are feeling alone, reach out to somebody, and the likelihood is, part of the weight you have been carrying in this loneliness, will start to lift. This is such an important starting point to eradicating or beginning the lifting of your loneliness, a problem shared is a problem halved.

2). Take time to understand it. Usually, our emotions are a sign to tell us that something in our current environment or psyche, needs to change. If you are regularly finding yourself feeling lonely or alone, write it down in a journal. Each time you feel this way, jot it down. This may allow you to reflect on your notes and see if you can find any patterns in the causes or effects of the emotion you feel. Thus, could indicate where part of the emotion stems, and so there may be an identifiable reason for these feelings, creating a solution that you can recognise yourself.

3). Time alone can be of value! Sometimes, when we are alone, it is very easy to slip into the mindset that we feel lonely, yet some people will thrive in the presence of themselves, it all comes down to our personal experiences, as well as our personality type! The factor I want to raise however, is self-esteem. For many of us, our own company and being left with our own mind and thoughts is scary, especially if you are suffering with a mental health condition. If we can structure some of our time when we are alone, it can often be put to good use. Time alone can actually, in essence, allow us to be our own source of validation. Allow yourself to be creative, take some time away from your phone, start a new book, clear out your bedroom or the space you are in to create a tidy environment for your headspace! There are so many options for opportunities when in your own company, to improve your self-esteem, to tell yourself, this is good for me! I personally have found that during lockdown, I have been aware of time I am going to spend alone, and so I create each week, a to-do list - giving my time alone more purpose, with each "tick", motivating and encouraging me to continue, raising my own sense of self-purpose and self esteem! Of course, there are still periods of which I feel lonely, but it makes these moments much easier to cope with than before, as they are far less regular and less overwhelming.

4) Use Relaxation. Relaxation seems to have a reputation like marmite. People have this perception that they either love or hate it, without even giving it a real go. I will be first to admit, before my placement in Bali, I had the perception that relaxation methods were useless, how could they help me? But I was wrong! Relaxation techniques such as meditation, really move the mind away from these intense feelings, and allow us to connect with our inner-self and rebalance our energy to something more positive. Mediation often has the potential to force us to focus on taking control of ourselves and drives us to intervene on our negative habits, making us strive for progress!

5). Take time to strengthen connections. An alternative way to feel less lonely, is to really work on the quality of your relationships rather than the quantity. Try and create depth and meaning to your relationships with others, and cut out any meaningless or negative relationship that may be causing you more pain than happiness. We have to be selfish and put into perspective the things and people that are serving our happiness or that are not, and it is ok to be selfish and determine what needs to change in order to better ourselves. In this case, it might be that a certain friendship group is actually making you feel more isolated or lonely, rather than bringing you a sense of worth and happiness and so it is ok to remove yourself and seek depth in other friendships!!

Finally, it is just so important to add that, as said before, none of these tips are necessarily quick fixes, nor to say they will be the right solution for you. These are just some of the things that have helped me personally that I thought I'd share, and so I really do hope they might be helpful in one way or another to you, or maybe will help you to help somebody close to you. It is key to remember to stick with your own methods and give them time to make the change. Heeling doesn't happen over night and we must persevere with seeking change!

All my love & keep positive!

Lauren-Yasmin x