Men's Feelings Matter

This week I want to talk about something extremely important. Seeing as it is Mental Health Awareness week, I wanted to speak more specifically about men’s mental wellbeing.

FIRST THE STATISTICS:

• 76% of suicides are committed by men. Yes you did read that right. 3 out of 4 suicides, are committed by men. (ONS)

• Men are less likely than women to use psychological therapies, with only 36% of referrals coming from men (Mental Health Forum)

• 1 in 8 men are diagnosed with a common mental disorder (CMD) (Men's Health Forum)

Men's mental health is something I feel needs to be spoken about more, coming from a family with many men, who have themselves, suffered with mental health issues, I have directly seen the affects of such struggles, but what's worse, seeing them try to keep it in.

It is very easy for me, a woman, to sit here and write this post about the way men’s mental health is portrayed, but I felt in order to write this post, I needed to hear more specifically what men themselves feel about this subject. Over the course of the week, I decided to use my @StormYourThunder Instagram platform to ask my male followers, some of my male friends and also male members of my family to give their opinions and beliefs about the barriers they may face in regard to speaking about their mental health, but also the facilitators in enabling men to speak up. The responses I received were incredible.This gave me, and hopefully you, when reading the responses, hope that we are heading in a positive direction towards eliminating the stigma and silent suffering that so many men experience.

The following is a very in depth account from a close friend of mine, one that really opened my eyes and confirmed many of the portrayals I had previously believed, as well as allowing insight to further issues that, being truthful, I had not given thought to before. Here it is -

" Men’s mental health is interesting, because even though we have Movember and other campaigns trying to get more men talking about mental health, I feel there still is a stigma.

I feel like a lot of people say “yeah men should talk more” but really a lot of people I know, and myself personally, still don’t open up even though we know we should.

So many times I’ve seen my friends go through episodes & it still takes so much prompting and convincing to get them to open up& go & see someone about how they are feeling. Me personally, I experienced issues with depression & anxiety for many years and never did anything about it or spoke about it until last year. As a man, there is a pressure to always be strong and just get on with it but we are only human. I know a lot of guys will refuse to talk or cry in front of people because they feel like that’s what women do.

There is a lot of toxic masculinity that is very prominent in universities. Men have to live up to this standard and act a certain way and not to be “caught up in their feelings” when really and truly every single one of my friends will say how they just want to be heard. Many of those people only feel comfortable talking to a significant other about those issues. In relationships I feel guys are more willing to open up. Even though not everyone is in a relationship and can do so. And vice versa, some guys just want to talk about how they’re feeling but won’t in their relationship because they don’t want to seem “wet”.

Sadly I feel society tells men from a very young age that we have to be strongand not show emotions. At one point in my life I hadn’t cried for like a year and half maybe 2. Because I would refuse to be seen as weak. And I know many guys that haven’t cried in 2+ years. Looking back on it how is that ok? Fine if they have nothing to cry about but the reason my friends would give me and the reason I would say I didn’t cry was because I didn’t want to be seen as week.

Another issue I think is quite interesting is body image. Women have a lot of pressure to look a certain way but I feel that pressure is overlooked when it comes to guys. I’m not saying guys have it worse off. I’m saying that sometimes people forget it exists with guys. I know friends that have been depressed because of they way they look.

After getting diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety last year, it gave me a different outlook on life. I was living my life feeling a certain way for 3-4 years thinking, that’s just life when really and truly – it’s not. I sought out help and it really had a positive effecton how I feel and deal with situations. A lot of guys should really try and read up about mental health and the different ways of dealing with emotions and maintaining a healthy mental wellbeing because when I talk to my friends about what I learnt, I always get the response “oh I feel like that too” or “that makes sense I never viewed things like that before”.

All in all there’s so much I could talk about, to sum it up, mental health issues are very prominent within the male population. Not enough men are discussing the mental health issue that surround other men. And there is still a sexist stigmathat talking about emotions and opening up is for women whether that be overtly or covertly implied. It exists nonetheless. "

The next response shows the progress that has been made of such campaigns in breaking down barriers and stigmas that men have previously received:

" If I'm honest, I've never had any problems talking about mental health to people. I always go through time where I'm feeling down or low, but I have always spoken to someone about how I'm feeling and I always feel that once I've shared it, there's a massive weight lifted off my shoulders.I feel like men are becoming so much more aware now, that less and less people are worried to talk about it, as I have had loads of chats with mates about either mine or their mental states"

A further response also made an extremely insightful point:

" Personally, I think the exposure and stigma is significantly betterin the last few years. However, it massively depends on the exposure individuals have had personally"

And finally, the last response to be included comes from my older brother:

"I think speaking about mental health as a man, really depends on the people you are around. You find yourself considering whether they will understand or whether they will view you in a different way or "pity" you. Obviously not everybody has had direct experiences with mental illness so if you speak to them about it, sometimes they don't understandor know what to do, so I definitely think there needs to be more education to everyone, not just those who suffer"

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With these responses, it is so interesting to put genuine feelings to the statistics and facts that we know about mens mental wellbeing. When reflecting on the statistics, the figure that only 1 in 8 are diagnosed with a CMD, seems rather small when considering that men make up 76% of all suicide. This demonstrates that it is so very likely that men's mental disorders are extremely under diagnosed.

From the responses above, it can be seen that, despite men being told "it's ok" to speak up and feeling that it is more acceptable to do so with recent campaigns, many still do not feel that they are able to go an seek support professionally or they may feel like they will be "pitied" or considered "wet" by their peers. This may in turn, disable the individual to speak up or ask for help, making things actually worse as they suffer alone and this could be a partial explanation for the high suicide rates among men, as they may not feel there is an outlet with a positive outcome. Either get on with it as it is, or deal with the "consequences"of talking.

Well, let's debunk this stigma. It is so important that you know -you are a human being with emotions. To an extent, it is out of your control, until you learn the tools to be able to control the emotions you feel, and in order to learn, we must seek help, support and speak up. One quote I saw earlier today when writing this post, was that "The majority of the battle is with your inner self".What you believe in your thoughts and what happens in reality, can be two entirely different things. There is always the potential for a positive outcome should you seek it, despite the negative inner self telling you otherwise. It might be a hard journey, with bumps in the road, but through expressing how you feel, this is one real way to be able to make sense of and solution to such problems.

Some people believe that others will be judgmental, that if they speak out, they will just be a burden or as expressed above, they will be pitied. These thoughts come as a result of the stigmas that society placed on men suffering with mental health disorders, however, we are living in 2020. The way you feel MATTERSand there is a growing conversation happening across the world to allow you, as a man, the freedom to be a man and still be able to comfortably speak about your emotions without fear of being emasculated. Movember happens once a year but the discussion and message behind it is open for the full 12 months.

The reality is that when you speak about your problem or struggle, the individual you speak to, will be more than supportive and grateful for your honesty and just by speaking out alone, the weight you have carried for however long, may be, to an extent, lifted. I believe in the policy, a problem shared is a problem halved. It takes SO much courage and bravery for a man to speak up about his emotions, something I have witnessed by my Dad. Only very recently in his late forties, he finally felt in a position to talk about his mental health, and this took a lot of encouragement and positivity, and quite frankly, a lot of love and support. But the main point is, he managed it, and in fact, felt a significant positive difference just through having the conversation.

As stigma is beginning to decline and we are seeing men talking more about their problems or experiences, it is so, so, SO important that we keep encouraging the education of mental wellbeing to all individuals, so that if we do have a friend, a family member, a partner or even a stranger, that happens to go through a struggle at some point in their life, we will know how to appropriately respond. So that you aren't the friend that your mate doesn't want to speak to about their problems in fear that "you won't understand" or "feel pitied by". We need to look out for ourselves and one another!

It is important we KEEP breaking down walls, why should your mental health be a "taboo" topic? Why should you have to keep it in and suffer? There is no reason why this should be the case. We live together, side by side, and we should be equal, mental health has no gender, it is not masculine and it is not feminine. It does not discriminate. So neither should we. Boys, men, have discussions amongst yourselves, be the change you want to see and take some time to check in on a friend and see how he is really doing, have a chat at training about things that might be bothering you and if the response is negative, if you feel able to, challenge the stigma that these individuals hold. Don't settle to be told your feelings don't matter or that they are "wet", because I can promise you, they are valid and are meaningful.

To all the men reading this post - you are no less of a man for asking for help. You are brave, and you are courageous. To those not quite ready to speak up yet - you are not alone. Please always remember you are not alone your struggle and that mental illness is far more "normal" (if there even is such thing as normal!!) than you could possibly imagine! There is always a solution. We must keep talking, we must have these conversations and we must strive to be a part of a society that does not stigmatise mental health problems.

PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE

Thank you for reading, I hope you can tell this is an issue I really am so invested in and hope that this post has given you some insight to understand further!

Love as always and remember to be kind,

Lauren-Yasmin x